On the Birds and Bees, Plants and 150 ton Sauropods

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I'm off to romp around in the snow... but before I go, I thought I'd reprint a little essay I wrote back in the day when I was a young wannabe Paleontology student. I usually dust a version of this thing off every year and make a story out of it for the kiddies.

Yeah, I'm a dork.



On Birds and Bees, Plants and 150 ton Sauropods

Evolution's a funny thing. Like crop circles and Seurat paintings, it reveals itself only when you step way back and look at the generalities. Up close, cracks start to appear, but - taken as an overall, evolution teaches us a lot of fascinating lessons about how we can look at the world. It works really well if we have a unbroken fossil record (for the most part) over 150 million years long.

150 million years ago, the flora did not look like it does today. That probably seems obvious, but the differences were huge. There were no flowers. There was no fruit. No berries. No oaks, no elms, no hardwood trees, really. Nothing we could call a crop plant. No real bushes. Fact is, if you look outside your window, 99% of the plants you see did not exist at that time. And, I don't mean that particular bush you're looking at wasn't there - I mean that bush's entire family didn't exist.

What did exist were mainly softwood ground plants. Some just happen to be tall enough that you could call them trees, 'cept they weren't. Just big-ass ferns, really. Swampy plants. Cycads, Ginkos, Scrub, Vines, Pines, etc. You've probably seen recreations. It's all pretty uniform and uncreative, plant-wise, but then again, plants were just starting out. We'll cut 'em some slack.

But about 75 million years ago, that suddenly changed. And by "suddenly" I mean to say almost overnight, evolutionarily speaking. After this great awakening, pine cones started to make room for fruit. Flowers shared space with the ground scrub. Different trees started to create new forests. What happened? What forced plants to so dramatically change in such a short period of time?

(You people who know me already know what my next word is going to be...)


Dinosaurs!

See, the period we're talking about here is the Mid-Jurassic, which is the era of big dinosaurs. Dinosaurs in general are pretty big, I know - but this was the age of the giants. These dinosaurs were massive. Never before or since did this planet have such a vast amount of the largest animals ever - the sauropods.

Sauropods are those huge four-legged, long tail, long necked, little head plant eaters. Brachiosaurs and the like. You know that seen in Jurassic Park where they come over the hill and see that huge animal for the first time eating leaves from the treetops? The one that sneezed on the kid later in the movie? Brachiosaur. Nothing has ever been bigger.

(One particular fossil we've found was reconstructed into a critter well over 130 feet long. 130 feet. Imagine that. A creature that would be cramped in a football field. It was named Seismosaurus, because surely, when it walked, the earth quaked.)

Having so many huge herbivores lumbering around made it a bad time to be a plant. Epically when your means of reproducing was basically wind-driven and sporadic (hah! pun!) at best. Something had to be done to ensure new plants were coming along faster than the old plants were getting gobbled up. A new method of reproduction had to happen.

Hey! If you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Why not make the critters work for us? Soon, seeds were stored in fruit and offered to the giants who could (ahem) deposit them in new places. About this time burrs and sticky seeds started to appear. And, why just pick on the big guys? There are insects, too! Flowers began cropping up everywhere.

The landscape changed. By the end of the dinosaurs age (they still have another 75 million or so to go) plain, swampy greens and browns were replaced colorful fields and exotic flowers. Forests changed, too - trees became sturdier to better withstand the giants within. It must've been like when Dorothy landed in Oz and film changed to color. Except, it... um.. took longer.

So, while you're enjoying your Christmas Poinsettia, garnishing with cranberries, enjoying your fruit-of-the-month-club gift membership your aunt Petunia sent you, or - heck - munching on your fruitcake this holiday season - be sure to take the time to give a little thanks to our favorite big-ass four legged herbivores - the Sauropods!


Have a good holiday, everyone. May you find your lives immersed with the season.

200! Tonight! We Dine! In Formalwear!!!

Wow! 200th post! Who would've thunk it! Certainly not me! Woo-HOOO!

Y'know? I started this thing a little under a year ago just to give me an excuse to buy more useless fanboy crap and have some cheap photoshop giggles along the way. And though I've strayed a bit from this blog's original purpose (and will stray even further in the near future!) I still have a great time just playing around with it! The organic evolution of fanboy blogs: it is teh interesting.

As a bonus, I never thought (nor intended) I'd actually have other people enjoying it with me! Well, aside from people obligated to peruse it. Like family. And locals. And all the co-workers using the computers on which I've changed the browser's startpage. And that sexynerdgirl chick. Honestly, I'm amazed at how many hits this crappy Blogsite gets. Not sayin' nothin', but you people are nuts...

Jus' Sayin'

So anyway: Thanks everybody! I really appreciate the attention! And I hope to continue to entertain you in the future!

Posts will be a bit sporadic over the holidays from here on out - and I'm going to tweak a few things, so don't be scared if it's all different one day after a few day's absence.

But Soup! (you say) Don't make too many changes! Why, we love things the way they are!

Ah! (says I) Not to worry:


Some things will never change.

Best to all!

Questionable Manor Hangings

Just a quickie. I have obligations. They involve a hospital.

Not me and probably not a concern at all, but I'm "on call" as it were - bringing snacks, reading material and such.


This one was too Goddamn easy.

Tex Avery Goes Exploring

OK:

Goofy golden age adventure comic cover + Thor's hammer + tripod + Prada bag + crappy photoshop skills / Soup's irrepressibly juvenile sense of humor =

Captain No-Torso Checks Out the Goods!

...which actually ends up as a pretty darn good Julie Schwartz "I gotta see what happens next!" cover, if I do say so myself!

Ah.. tipping my toes back into familiar waters..

'Bout Time!

Yep, it's finally finished! And it looks like everything's working spiffily, too! Sorry about the posting delay, but I feel much, MUCH better about how things are running now. Hey, if I'm gonna re-do everything, I'm gonna do it right! That's the least that my expensive fancy-pants CS degree can do for me!

The downside is that I spent so much time re-configuring the computer itself that I just didn't have the time to revamp the blog like I've been meaning to. It's had pretty much the same layout since I started it, and I really want to get me one of them new-fangled title bars, browser icons, update the links and the like. Maybe for Christmas...

Anyhoo, regular posting should be more or less ongoing at this point! Well, up until the holiday break, anyway. Come to think of it, I'll probably use that week for blog maintainence, since I'm off work and all..

So, without further apologies on my part, on with the Goddamn photoshop jokes! And what better place to start than messing with this gem, courtesy of everyone's favorite Goddamn writer:


That is a thing of Goddamn beauty right there. I mean, seriously - read it out loud. Go on. Beautiful, isn't it? In fact, as much grief as this series (rightly) gets, I can give you one absolute Goddamn reason you should own it - if you read the dialog out loud in your best Mickey Spillane voice, your girlfriend will explode with laughter and beer will shoot out of her nose, and I gotta tell you, instigating something like that is worth $2.99 every 6 months or so! Such is the power of Frank Miller: Wordsmith!

Of course, all things can be improved with a little creative 'shopping! Let's start with the introspective:


And now, the classics:

The regret:

The strangely appropriate:

And this. Because I love you Guys:

Let's end with a lesson:

This is fun! If you wanna play at home, here's the blank.

And again, thanks to everyone for the well-wishing and "quit being lazy and get back to posting, you twat!"'s It's really spiffy to be missed!

Whelp, now that this is done, I'm off to drink beer play with my brand new X-Mass Wii. (giggle!) I expect to be up a bit late. Don't wait up!

(Special thanks to SexyNerdGirl for some of the suggestions. And for putting up with me in general. And for losing graciously during the Wii games later tonight.)

It Lives!

Well, sorta...

I still have some major installations to do - patches, updates and the like (Photoshop being the big one), but it looks like I'm back on line with a brand new, completely clutter free tabula rasa computer maintainence success story!

It runs faster, no more virus / firewall violation notifications, all the unneeded crap gone, all the needed crap backed up, and all-in-all a very pleasing result despite all the work it took.

So, still some work to do - but I'm nearly there!

In the meantime, I present to you the randomly computer chosen desktop from my newly pruned-down list of potentials I used while I was working. I forgot I had this one! And, it's pretty much all I have handy to post...

Click HERE for big 1024X768 version. I only have MS paint to shrink at this point. So no small in-blog picture.

Thanks for the shout-outs and well wishes, guys! Made my day. Really! Fully back soon!

Out of Order

Well, the time has come for me to completely break down my computer and re-install everything. It's really long overdue - the background detritus is getting out of control, viruses are running amok, my C: drive is capped out on space, and it really is just generally time for a complete purge / re-do.

This might take a while.

I would've had a funny photoshop notice for this, but me being me and not thinking beforehand, I've already uninstalled photoshop. Oh well.

I'll be back to regular posts (hopefully) on Monday. In the meantime, I'll be pulling what's left of my hair out starting everything from scratch.

Oh, and drinking. A lot.

Raise a weekend beer and toast for me in the hopes I don't forget anything too important....

Laters!

(Hopefully...)

Rollin' Around

Well, it's been quite the busy day! I'm still going through all the new comics I picked up! A nice new selection including Ultimate Spider-Man, Casanova, Daredevil, Morrison's Batman ... I'll need a few drinks before I actually get around to reading Frank Miller's Goddamn Joker though, let me tell you!

Frank always reads better with a buzz on. Particularly whiskey. Neat. Ice is for sissies. Goddamn sissies.

Plus, The Roller Girl and I spent some time at the tattoo artists' place checking out what will eventually be her latest. And brother? It's a doozy, even going from the early sketches. She's pretty giddy about it, actually.

So, because of that, and because it's kinda late for me to make up a completely new Flash Bashing crappy photoshop joke, I instead present another quickie. Only modestly changed for that personal touch.

But still, it is a pretty spiffy Flash cover...


Never piss off a Roller Girl. Trust me.

After Gobble Party

Well, that was a fun Thanksgiving! Still munching on leftovers, even!

Now that I'm back, I took some time to catch up on the usual blogs I read to see what everyone's been up to. It seems like everyone likewise had a great holiday - glad to hear it!

Over at the Hoosier Journal of Inanity, Sea_of_Green took a break from her usual Green Lantern head-bashing to poke fun at The Flash this week. It didn't take long for Sally to follow suit.

(That makes me think: Anyone ever seen these two ladies together at the same time? Jus' sayin...)

And so - because I want to hang out with the cool crowd...


Ah! It's good to be back!

Papa Don't Preach

Adam asked, so I'm answering!



10 Minutes Earlier...


Made myself giggle again. Good sign.

Thanks, Adam! (and congrats on the year!)

How World War Hulk *Should Have* Ended: Finale!

It's a shame, but it's over. Oh, well.. I'm sure I can find a way to work those delicious Hostess Fruit Pies into future crappy photoshops...

Previously:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
How I thought it would end

As usual, click for Hulk Size














Kinda deep, huh? Y'see, Bruce's climactic immersion into the delicious fruit filling is actually a metaphor for the human condition, and when the dual flavor choices of Apple and Cherry is juxtaposed with the internal good vs. evil struggle that is the Hulk's epitome (green vs. red), the crux of this little morality play thus becomes unto like a...

Oh, I give up! I haven't been able to bullshit a thesis since I left college English classes.

No Post Thursday! Whoo-Hoo!

Sorry 'bout this, but I'm S'posed to cook for tomorrow's cooperate Thanksgiving lunch. And I mean cook - 50+ people!

(And yes, ladies.. I can cook. Like you wouldn't believe. Rowr, Rowr!)

So, instead of the usual photoshop mock-up, here's an actual panel that I've been saving for a while but haven't found a decent use for as of yet:


Ah, pre-feminism Wonder Woman.. where are you now?

Suggestions are welcome.. that one's too good to go to waste!

Kicking a Dead Horse

Eh, one more time...

(I really hope this isn't becoming a reoccurring theme!)
(Well, kinda...)



Too easy!

Now.. where'd I put that All Star Superman? *drool....*

I Have a Cunning Plan...

Well, Batman does anyway:


And with that one, I'm off to see me some Original Star Trek on the big screen. I'm pretty sure someone's jealous. Countdown until he points out that the original rejected pilot was "The Cage" in 1....7.....0...1...

(Just kidding!)


(Man, this one's particularly crappy.. I could've spent another day cleaning up that done-too-many-times joke...)
(For instance, I should've used Carmine Infantino pointing hands instead of the arrows...)
(...and made it look more blue-printy...)

(Yes, I'm a big ol' geek.)

Diversión con el Ayudante Personal y un Aviso Especial de la Lista del Deseo

Primeras cosas primero...

Aquí en la lista del deseo, sentimos arrepentido la necesidad de informarle que eso debido a la huelga del escritor reciente, no podemos proveer de usted, el lector querido, cualquier nuevo saqueo en activamente de imitación divertido (y, de una manera, homaging!) material previamente original. Franco, todos nuestros satirists han rechazado producir incluso un solo panel del humor juvenil del patio si fueron basadas alrededor cualquier cosa ese remotamente los tortazos uniformes del contenido original. Tan hoy, no habrá un panel cómico levantado cariñosamente del contenido original de la gente, tastelessly (y desvergonzadamente!) modificado para conseguir a una risa barata todo el rato que da crédito completo y completo a la fuente original.

Con esa comprensión, tomemos una diversa trayectoria y en lugar de otro creemos una mirada totalmente original de la pa'gina-por-pa'gina en el nuevo ayudante personal y la colección de los forasteros:

Ayudante Personal y los Forasteros # 3: Páginas 20-21

Detrás en la arboleda anaranjada...

¿Quién desabrochó sus pantalones?

Conseguí la energía TAN TAN-TAN-TAN TAN TAN-TAN-TAN... Caja negra del Oh, usted no es justo para los clubs gays más.

Visión desde la boina-leva.

Pares de los golpes del taser y de los dobleces anaranjados de la escuadrilla. Bien, eso es qué sucede cuando usted hace compras en el almacén del goon del descuento. Y marcaré para arriba el sintaxis con tiza borroso a manejar mal de Katana de su segunda lengua.

¿Qué si le caí? ¿Usted sería listo para ÉSE?

Y sobre la ciudad, el ayudante personal prueba que él es más que apenas un valise gris grande que se arrastrará alrededor señalando algo que sucede debajo del helicóptero mientras que él está sobre él. Soy seguro que la línea de la vista no se aplica al ayudante personal HeroClix tampoco.

Ahora con un receptáculo útil de la explosión.

No sé qué insinuacíon para reírse de primero, así que yo le dejaré proveer su propia broma.

Cuando solamente el jugo anaranjado apagará su sed.

Mientras que el otros van después de la bomba del gas (a pesar de ser no listo), el ayudante personal se arrastra hacia gracias de las láminas del propulsor que hacen girar a las tomas prácticas en el Orangecopter detrás (porque claramente, él es listo para cualquier cosa).

Directamente a Bowser.

¿Está emitiendo una señal sonora ruidosa que no estoy oyendo o es Metamorpho tan prescient como ayudante personal?

Geo-Fuerza: El individuo que usted desea en una cabina en las maderas.

Conjeturo que él es. Usted conoce, sin el colorante, Rex puede ser que también sea un hombre del metal.

Las muchas caras de Rex.

Amenaza triple: Prescient, metal Manish Y absolutamente bueno en guardar su gas contuvo. Él es señoras disponibles. Tengo no ver el zafiro en esta serie todavía.

La lista del deseo espera que nuestro viaje virginal en contenido totalmente original no haya confundido cualesquiera de nuestros lectores queridos, y las razones de este cambio drástico son fácilmente comprensibles. Esperanzadamente esta huelga horrible terminará rápidamente y podremos continuamos como antes con más de nuestras parodiar, relatos, spoofs, y vignettes generalmente en vez de tener que recurrir a tentativas más infantiles en el material totalmente original. ¡Mantengamos nuestros dedos cruzados, cada uno!

Sometimes, They're Handed to You

Man - just when I have an idea in my head ready to go, Adam goes and posts something that just begs to be made fun of and completely changes the schedule. Oh well, I can save the old one for later. S'not like any of my writers are here these days, anyway.

(Splitters!)

Anyway:



Later...


Well, it made me giggle anyways...

Actually, this is really just an excuse for me to use the ol' slang "Scratch" in modern day common parlance.

Hallow-Back!

Whelp, that was one Spook-tacularly fun Halloween! But, I'm back and so let's wade back into the basics...

Crappy Juvenile Photoshop Jokes!


(I'm actually kinda happy with this one)

(Yeah, it's an easy mark, but whattayagonnado??)

Oh, and please go see Spamalot, if you get the chance. It's surprisingly fantastic! You will have a good time, believe you me!

(And, who knew there were so many lyrical rhymes for 'Jew?')

Happy Halloween!

There's a Spider on Your Back!!! Boo!!

Enjoy yourselves, kiddies!


Me? I'm off to see Spamalot! with the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!! strapped to my neck and the lovely and aptly named sexynerdgirl on my arm.

Should be fun!

Oh, and only sporadic posts until Monday. I take my Halloween celebration seriously, you know...

Yeah, Baby.. Yeah!

Halloween... much to do.. Quickie.. Deal...


Plus, any occasion to bring up Mr. E.M.B.W.B.A.M. is alright by me!

Tomorrow! Halloween pictures!

(Well, one really. Kinda...)

Monday! Time for a Clap Joke!

Not that kind of Clap, you perverts...

Or as I like to call you guys: Regulars!

It's Halloween week! My funnest, favorite, frolicking holiday! Faboo! I'm finally feeling the freaky fun! So for now, let's furrow far into The Funny forthwith to find some fine and flavorful Fruit Pie flaky farce!


Fire up Function for Full Frame Force!

*Phew!*

(That one counts!)

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That...

So apparently Harry Potter's headmaster, Dumbledore has been outed by his author.

Just think of the fan fiction to shortly grace our presence. I could go for an easy Google search reference joke here, but I really don't want to know if it would work. You're welcome.

Now, I'm not a huge Potter fan - it's a pleasant enough diversion and I'm hardly the target audience but, (and here's the kicker) I KNOW THAT. So, it's not a passion of mine by any stretch of the imagination, but I do enjoy it as a kinda guilty pleasure. Much in the same way I enjoy that Avatar cartoon whenever I come across it.

(And by the way.. if you are a fan, and haven't listened to the Books-on-Tape version read by the ASTONISHING voice talent of Mr. Jim Dale, you're missing out. Seriously. That guy is the best story teller, ever. I wonder if you can somehow pay him to tuck you in at night...?)

(ummm.. you should probably forget that particular mental picture...)

Anywhoo? ... Oh yeah! Dumbledore! Don't care, not one jot. Not one tittle. But, it does make for some funny photoshops...


(This one goes out to a certain someone who, it must be said, was overheard screeching with either shock or excitement (jury's still out...) from across the house when she first read the news.)

(tee hee...)

Most Wanted

Pretty good week this time around, but one book easily stood above the others. A few days ago I wrote briefly about how good the current Bizarro run on Action Comics is, and after this one (the conclusion) ladies and gentlemen, we officially have my vote for the best modern Bizarro story ever written! And, to borrow a line from Bully, that also makes this the Most Fun Comic of the Week!


Action Comics #857
Writers: Geoff Johns and Richard Donner
Art: Eric Powell

Ah, but I'm not writing a mini-review for this one. Just trust me, you'll love it.

And here are some Most Wanted Panel moments to prove it to you:










Yes, you want this arc. Badly. Go buy now!



Bonus! A special panel just for my favorite Emerald Fanny Fetishist!

Click for biggie, Girl..

I know just by showing her that panel, she's A'giggling.

It's an Honor Just to be Nominated

It's only Tuesday, but it's already been quite the fun week. So, I feel the mood to raise that Limbo Bar and ratchet up The Funny by way of everyone's favorite guilty pastime...

Porno Award Ceremonies!

(Hi, Googlers!)

Adam once again provides the comedic fodder with this fantastic combination of juvenile school-boy double-entendre humor coupled (you see what I did there?) with good ol' fashioned out-of-context radness:

I made a funny in his comments and decided to follow it up here. Twist my arm, why doncha.. it's porn!



(...Later - at the Awards After Photo Shoot...)


Ahhh... that's better ... I'm spent.

(I'm so, so sorry...)
(kinda.)