Ah, Just One More Thing, Sir. (Oh, Crap.)

Jonah Hex: Badass Week will continue after a few words to introduce an observation....

I'm a big fan of the detective show Columbo. Man, that's a great show. The murders are pretty well thought out, there's a palpable sense of tension, and it's real fun watching Columbo slowly unravel the crime until you're sure he knows who did it and you're just waiting for the trap to spring. What makes it even better is that you know who the murderer is from the beginning - the show starts by showing you the crime and coverup as it happens. When Columbo shows up to ask his seemingly insipid questions, you - like the murderer - find yourself asking, "Where's he going with this?" The whole thing is watched from the murderer's point of view; Columbo comes and goes, but the focus is on any additional work the murderer does to try and cover his tracks. Great show.

After watching enough episodes and the subtle, expert unraveling Columbo does to any murder coverup, no matter how devious, I started to empathize with the murderers. I mean, they never have a chance from the moment Columbo first shows up. I watch them kill their victim, go to great pains and elaborate schemes to cover it up - mis-direction, red herrings, phony witnesses, bogus recordings - thinking they've gotten away with murder. Indeed, a lot of them should have, their plots were so watertight. The police arrive to investigate, take statements, establish alibis, sample clues and then they refer you to the chief investigator.

Were I the villain, knowing what I know, this would be my reaction:

Crap! Fuckin' Columbo! I'm so screwed.... Aw, man!

"Alright, Columbo. I'll save you some time: I killed her then wedged her in the car and drove it off the cliff. I probably left a button there. Or a handkerchief. Anyway, that phone call I made at 10:35 was phony, as I was at the docks pushing my wife into the drink. Can I at least say goodbye to my dogs before I go?"

Of course, the murderers never react that way - part of the point of Columbo is that he appears scatterbrained and inept and wholly unable to untangle your devious web. He's fairly anonymous, not really worth noticing, and presents absolutely no threat to solving your crime at first meeting. They don't know him, therefore they don't know they're doomed.

But ... when you realize you're in the gunsights of well-known Badass Jonah Hex? Well, that's a different story....

(We now resume our regularly scheduled programming)

Ol' Jonah is a pretty well traveled guy. He has a reputation that borders on mythic. If you hear your name in the same sentence as Jonah Hex ...? Well, you're in for a world of hurtin' my friend. There are very few stories where Hex actually brings in his bounty alive - and those are paid bounties; nothing personal. God forbid you actually get on his bad side to the point of making it personal.

Let's look at that sinking feeling when you realize it's Jonah (Badass) Hex you've pissed off. And you know exactly what that means.

Watch your step, Y'all.

Tomorrow: Let's close it all out with the Badass current run!

EDIT: Would'ja believe that Photobucket removed my Despair pic immediately above? Dang exposed nipple!

*Sigh* Reposted now with censory goodness.


SallyP said...

Hee hee! Oh, and nice segue from Columbo by the way. I'd still rather watch old Columbo reruns than half of the new cop shows, because at least they had plots!

But anyway, your Oh !@@#$#$ moments are perfect. Hex does seem to have that effect on people.

Anonymous said...

So, is there any confirmed method to reduce the likelyhood of Mr. Hex killing you?

FoldedSoup said...

So, is there any confirmed method to reduce the likelyhood of Mr. Hex killing you?

A) Stay out of his way. If he's not after you, try not to be collateral.

B) Don't make him think it's personal. If he aims 'ta kill ya, he's gonna.

C) If'n it's just business, do what I did with Columbo - just accept it and give up. Preferably, provide your own horse for the ride back to jail. And don't piss him off.

I can think of a few stories where Hex's bounty had an "Aww, FUCK!" moment and didn't put up a fight. Those guys were sometimes brought back alive.

Anonymous said...

Now I know!