I'm the Father!!!
Subject: Back off, you cretins! All of you!
From: General Immortus
Recently, I have become increasingly distressed at the continuing parade of so-called, 'fathers' coming out of the proverbial woodwork, all claiming paternal ownership over a certain newborn recently birthed unto a certain lady about town. This vexes me. I am vexed. Allow me to put the issue to rest, once and for all: I, General Immortus, leader of a million armies, sovereign of time, and master of mortality itself, am the child's rightful father!
I remember it as though it were merely centuries ago... A crowded room, a stolen glance, an 'accidental' brushed contact. The slurred word that passed her lips as I kissed her hand. The conversation that was struck...
Oh! And what a conversation! A more charming lady I have not met in the last 267 years! She was quite inquisitive with my stance on a myriad of subjects: Politics, Money, Love, Religion, Money, How to outflank an enemy's logistical base with superior forces by employing the German Kesselschlacht maneuver, Money..
I know what you're thinking: "How could someone as ...well, experienced as you ever hope to win the coital affections of someone as charming as Ms. Nichols Smith?" Well, suffice it to say, you learn a lot of tricks when you're several thousands of years old!
Ah, yes! It didn't take long before she fell prey to my obvious charm. And once she found out about my secret caches of gold stashed across the globe... why, she practically dragged me to that hotel room!
That initial encounter led to a series of torrid affairs spanning the length of several months. For a time, my plans for world domination fell away from me, as I was swept into more ... domestic plans with my little Anna-bell (for that is what I called her).
But, of course, all good things must pass in time. As she grew increasingly suspicious about my actual age (her curiosity initially piqued by a particularly robust session of love-making, I might add!), I was forced to explain the bitter truth to her - that I was, in fact, immortal, and sadly, would eventually outlive her. To my eternal regret, she could not overcome this immutable fact, and drifted off seeking other waters.
Upon learning of her recent tragic passing, I came to the obvious conclusion that the child she recently bore could only have been sired by myself, General Immortus. There can be no other conclusion. But, in the spirit of ..ugh.. 'fairness,' I shall supply scientific proof of what I speak. For I myself, General Immortus, have taken the liberty of conducting my own DNA verification using an identifier of my own design and a sample obtained recently from the infant by one of my many spi... er, assistants. The test proves conclusively that I, General Immortus, am indeed, the sole father of Annie Nichols Smith's infant child. Of this, there can be no doubt.
And who better to care for the child? Who better to instruct her in the disciplines that will be truly important in her life and in a manner that she and her newly acquired millions of dollars would be used to? Who has more experience when dealing with such matters? No, the decision is quite clear.
My armies await further instruction. I assume you will come to the only fair conclusion in this matter.
Subject: Hey, Pinhead! I'm the Father!
From: The Terror
Evil Old Dude
Bah, bah, bah...
Don't come into this house with those kind of threats, sonny! Why, in my day, a threat like that would earn you a smack to the head!
You never even met the lady, you immortal prick! Never even got close to her! You wanna know how I know? Huh? I know because it was ME that hooked up with her that night, not YOU!
Ah, Annie! How lovely you were! Kind of gal that didn't mind a feller with some experience under his belt, you know? I'll always cherish that night of passion, romance, and back strain.
Yeah, she was a peach. Smart, too - as soon as she learned that I couldn't legally use any of the cash I'd ...er, 'acquired,' she was off like a shot! Now that's a dame you can respect!
Anyway, that kid is as much mine as it is anybody's over 100 years old, and I'm going to wait right here in my giant mechanical spider for you pinheads to get to off your fat duffs and BRING ME MY MONEY!! er... BABY!! If I'm kept waiting too long, there will be evil. Oh yes. More evil that you can shake a stick at, sonny! Evviiiiilllll....
Now ... Hop to it!
Subject: I Never Touched the Crazy Broad
From: Vandal "Vandar Adg" Savage
Was not there, did not touch that. No way, not a chance.
I mean, have you seen that chick?!? She's wacked-out! Bat-shit crazy! And, I'm a freckin' immortal - I know bat-shit crazy!! That chick could give psycho lessons to wack-job while snorting a high-ball off of barmy's ass!
No way am I boarding that crazy-train. Count me out of this race, fellers!
So, you can keep your half a billion dollar baby - I want no part of that, Jack! If I need money, I'll just sell off some more stock or collector's plates or something.
Now, I'm gonna make me a Manwich. Cheers.
EDIT: This one started out as a single General Immortus Op/Ed theme, but after I furthered the joke, I think it read better in a web forum style. So, I'm changing the format. Still, I made myself laugh re-reading it, and that's always a good thing.