I have two dogs whom I love to death, but they couldn't be more different. Sarah is a typical lunk-headed hound dog who just loves life and everything about it to the point that she gets into a lot of trouble just being a big, curious dog. Like getting her head stuck in a fence, or getting bit on the nose by a groundhog, or adopting and bringing home a stray cat (that really happened - and that cat still hangs around). The kids on the block love her and sometimes knock on my door just to ask me if they can walk her. Emo Philips has a great joke about dogs that sums up Sarah perfectly:
Dogs are great. Because, you know, when you're asleep at 4 in the morning, and a squirrel runs across your lawn... well, you don't want to sleep through that!
Sarah deserves her own Bloggy entry, but today lets talk about my other dog, Deliah.
Deliah is the smartest dog I've ever met. EVER. Scary smart. She's a border collie mix, and she knows about 40 words perfectly, can communicate what she wants to me easily, seems like she's reading my mind at times, and probably just puts up with me because of the whole doorknob-mastery, opposible thumbs thing. I hope she never learns where the knives are kept. Or how to load a .38.
She is a much smaller dog than Sarah, so she gets less food - and she obviously notices. For months, no matter how much I rationed her, and how much I've exercised her, she's gained weight. She's a little fattie now. I eventually found out that she's been stealing Sarah's food each morning. By distracting her.
Let me repeat that:
By distracting her.
Deliah will finish her food off quickly, having less of it, then run into the other room out of sight and start growling and barking. Like she's found a kitten stuck in the wall or something. Sarah, being the big dopey curious hound dog that she is, will stop eating and go check it out. She sniffs the wall, tries all the corners, and looks around the room, scanning the ceiling for what Deliah was soooo concerned with. At that point, Deliah runs back to the kitchen and finishes Sarah's food while Sarah is still trying to figure out where ceiling cat is.
Think about that. That's evil-mastermind genius dog level thinking, right there. That's something out of Sun Tzu's playbook. And Sarah has been falling for this same scheme for months.
After I got wise to this, I put a stop to it. All seemed well except Deliah kept getting fatter. I couldn't figure out why until today, when I let her outside to do her business. Because she was barking and really wanted to go outside. She can sucker me, too.
After a while, I couldn't get her to come inside so I went out to find her myself. Eventually she came when I called, but she was chewing something as she returned. Like gum. And, in plain sight now on her way back, she stopped to grab another morsel before running inside.
My dog's eating her own crap. And loving it.
I'm assuming this is a recent thing, and the latest way for this evil genius of a dog to get more food, MORE FOOD!, MORE!! BWAHAHAHA!!!! but it does happen to coincide with the day that I switched their food to something local that is touted as "Best tasting! Best nutrition! Best for your dog!" And, brother!, they love this stuff - they can't wait to gobble it down. It's like doggie crack.
So, here's my suggestion for Grandma Z's Premium All Natural Dog Food's new slogan:
I'll be waiting for my check. Thanks!
EDIT: Changed the sign a bit. It's funnier when you use the word "Poo."