Alton Brown would never do this

A recent find from deep in the Food Network's TV archives:

Yep. That's the X-Mansion. I pull out the stops, Baby!

Food 911: The Mutant Problem

(The following is a transcript from a lost episode of Food 911 that was set to air sometime in the near future. This episode remained unfinished and was eventually shelved because of sudden, unexpected shrinkage of the episode's intended target audience.)

Tyler: Hi! I'm Tyler Florence, and this is Food 911! Today we're in upstate New York and were going to deal with the mutant problem. Well, it's a problem for one man, at least - this is X-Mansion head chef, Mitch "The Canker" Herdanker. Mitch? Why don't you fill us in on what the problem is...

Mitch: Yeah, well, I gotta cook for everyone here at the mansion, see? Three meals a day for most of 'em. And these mutants, all the different types, they all haveta have different - whattacall 'em - dietary specializations.

Tyler: They all have to have a different menu? Like Vegan alternatives?

Mitch: I wish! These are friggin' mutants here, and some of 'em can't even take human diets. I got ones that can't eat meat, sure, but I also got ones that can't eat plants, either. I got one kid here that can't process calcium hypochlorite! I mean, how the hell do you cook for someone that can't eat friggin' calcium hypochlorite?! Hell, I got one that can only survive on "teardrops from a doomed animal." You believe that shit?!? "Teardrops from a Doomed Freggin' Animal!?!" So every day I gots to head down the animal shelter - for this ONE freggin' mutie - with my straw and my bottle, ask for the list...

Tyler: I imagine this all can put quite the strain on you and your staff here...

Mitch: It Fuckin' sucks, Tyler.

Tyler: Ha ha. So, what you want us to do is help you to find a quick and easy way to prepare a lot of really diverse meals for a lot of people, right?

Mitch: I told you: They ain't people, they're mutants.

Tyler: Right. So let's see what we have in the kitchen here...

Mitch: Fuckin' mutants.

Tyler: Looks like you have quite a busy setup here, Mitch! I see all the staples, a ton of spices... Hey! What's this?

Mitch: That's some kinda super protein and vitamin mash that that Einstein cat-guy made. S'only thing he eats. He says it's some kinda perfect nutrition food thing - no preservatives or artificial stuff.

Sounds like a nutritional purist kind of guy!

Mitch: Yeah, but he's kind of a intellectual douchbag, so I always spike it with "Fancy Feast." I think it's responsible for his - whattacallit - secondary mutation thing.

Tyler: Interesting. Anybody else here have such a refined palate?

Mitch: Well, there's that English broad... everything with her is always so freggin' hoity-toity! It all has to be imported, or be like fine dining, or have some French name I can't pronounce.

Tyler: Must be difficult!

Mitch: Fuckin' French.

Tyler: Hah ha. So, let's grab that pot and we'll get started! And, while we're setting up, why don't you tell us where you got your nickname, "The Canker" - that's quite a unique one, there! Is it because it rhymes with your last name?

Mitch: Nah. S'matter a fact, that English broad kinda gave it to me. See, I was telling this joke to one of my cooks about this naked lady, her pet monkey and these 13 ping-pong balls when she walks by just as I was getting to the part where the monkey's juggling and about to fall off from her feet when all of a sudden she stops and looks at me like she's readin' my mind or somethin' and says all sarcastic like in that snooty accent of hers, "Oh, aren't we a Cheeky Wanker?" Then some of the kids found out and shortened it, and it kinda stuck after that.

Tyler: Ha ha. Great story!

Mitch: I hate it, but that broad's real easy on the eyes, y'know, so I didn't say nothing - just kept tryin' to move those zippers with my brain. I figure, "why should the friggin' muties be the only ones that can do that?"

Tyler: Interesting!

Mitch: Fuckin' zippers.

Tyler: Ha ha.

Mitch: I mean, what the hell does "The Canker" even mean, anyway? Is my secret mutie power the ability to give people cold sores or somethin'? "Look out, evil-doers! Behold the power of The Canker!!" Cripes.

Tyler: Well, OK! - Now that we've got our stock going, our stoats de-loused, and we've broken up all the formica into bite-sized chunks, we can move on to properly amplifying the photons roasting in a dark Skrull-milk sauce. And after that, we'll combine all the dry ingrediants to begin our dessert's Oreo crumble topping.

Fuckin' Martians.

Unidentified Hairy Canadian: Move outta the way, bub. Need beer.

Mitch: Oh, no.

UHC: What the Sam Scratch is this?!? No beer?!? Somebody's got some explaining to do. And they better do it fast. I ain't in the best of moods.

Well, sorry to tell you, but we used the last of the beer to flavor our Down-Home Mariko Spirit Squeezings! It has 3 kinds of spices!

(It was at this point that the audio and visual feed were unexpectedly cut short. Before completely losing the signal however, one can hear some loud, crunching sounds that suggest furniture is breaking, several screams, and even a few "Snikt's.")

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