Oh, Kari!

(The following is a transcript from a previously unaired episode of MythBusters)

MythBusters
Episode: 1574

(Pre-credits)

Adam: Remember, we've had years of experience doing the things we do. We're experts!

Jamie: Yep. And also remember: Do not try this at home.

(voiceover)

Today - on MythBusters!

Grant and Scottie try to prove if the unbreakable really is unbreakable. It’s time for the Adamantium throwdown!

Meanwhile, Grant and Tory try to answer the unseen question: How can an invisible woman see where she’s going?

But First, here’s Adam and Jamie ready to settle a myth - and a contest - that pits an ancient defense against a modern offense!

(cut to workshop)

Adam: Well, this is going to be a fun one! We’re actually going to be testing to see just how much punishment certain types of ancient armor can withstand. I envision us destroying all kinds of cool things! We get to play with guns, right?

Jamie: Yeah. The thing is, that even though some of the older stuff is, well, pretty ancient, and design-wise hasn’t changed much in hundreds of years, there might be a reason for that – you don’t mess with success.

Adam: Right! But even though you might have the perfect design for stopping, oh, a 15 pound mace, eventually hardware technology outpaces you, and you’re forced to design something a bit tougher. From wicker breastplates to Kevlar vests.

Jamie: In fact, the myth we're going to test today is that ancient armor was so well thought out and constructed so strongly that it can actually offer significant protection from even modern weaponry.

Adam: So, we’re going to try and see just how much punishment some of these very cool looking pieces of ancient defense can take from a modern firearm. Personally, I think this one is busted... but let's go anyway! What have we got first, Jamie?

Jamie: Well, this is an ancient, full-sized, 5th century bronze Aspis shield. It’s just about the kind the ancient Spartans used. It offers great protection for not only the wielder, but also, if you hold it like this, for his fellow soldiers on this side of him.

Adam: Like in the movie 300!

Jamie: Exactly. Now, these things are great at stopping arrows, spears, and most of the other piercing and slashing weapons that were being used around in the 5th century. They’re real solid and can take a lot of punishment. But as you can see …

BLAM!!

Adam: Ohhhh! Who-Hoo! You're dining in Hell now, Buddy!

Jamie: …they’re really no match for a modern .38.

Adam: So we don’t have to worry about those pesky Spartans? What if they had elephants? Or dwarves? Or dwarf-riding elephants? With knifey hands?

Jamie: Not really no.

Adam: Well, I for one, will sleep a little better tonight. This one's already looking busted - what about other forms of ancient armor - what do we have on hand to try and destroy, Jamie?

Jamie: Well, we decided to try a little field testing with a larger piece and sent Kari out for another experiment. Here – Let’s put her on speaker … Kari? You there?

Kari (on speaker): Yeah, I’m here.

Adam: So, how are you doing?

Kari: Well, it’s a beautiful day outside here and I’m ready to start some shooting!

Adam: Whoo-Hoo!

Kari: Yep! I’ve got my old trusty .30-06 set up, got my scope set, the slow-motion cameras in place and I’m good to go!

Adam: You’re shooting at Buster, right? You can’t shoot at Buster!! Hasn’t he been through enough? Think of all the little crash-test dummies that will be orphaned!

Kari: Ha ha! No, no – I could never take a shot at ol’ Buster. Besides, after that episode we did about the possibility of surviving a massive gamma explosion, we can’t even find him.

Adam: I heard he's rampaging through the American Southwest!

Kari: Ha ha! No, don't worry, Buster's not wearing the scalemail.

Adam: Oh! Scalemail! Awesome! The coolest of all ancient armor, if I do say so myself! What era is the armor from, Kari?

Kari: Well, this is more of a modern reproduction. The original stuff is just too expensive for us to just go shooting at it. OK - I'm about ready to go here. Let me get in a comfortable shooting position here...

Adam: Where are you exactly, Kari?

Kari: I'm on the old Bushmire building. Almost set.

Adam: The Bushmire? On the roof?

Kari: Yeah, it has the best view of the Courthouse. OK - firing in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

Adam: Did she say Courthouse?

Kari: 2 ... 1 ...

BLAM!!

Adam: Uh... Kari?

BLAM!!

BLAM!!

Adam: Kari!?!?

Kari: (Fuckin' Liberal Anarchist Walkin'-away-from-a-fight-without-finishing-it Douchbag)

(end of transcript)

Alton Brown would never do this

A recent find from deep in the Food Network's TV archives:

Food 911: The Mutant Problem
(The following is a transcript from a lost episode of Food 911 that was set to air sometime in the near future. This episode remained unfinished and was eventually shelved because of sudden, unexpected shrinkage of the episode's intended target audience.)

Tyler: Hi! I'm Tyler Florence, and this is Food 911! Today we're in upstate New York and were going to deal with the mutant problem. Well, it's a problem for one man, at least - this is X-Mansion head chef, Mitch "The Canker" Herdanker. Mitch? Why don't you fill us in on what the problem is...

Mitch: Yeah, well, I gotta cook for everyone here at the mansion, see? Three meals a day for most of 'em. And these mutants, all the different types, they all haveta have different - whattacall 'em - dietary specializations.

Tyler: They all have to have a different menu? Like Vegan alternatives?

Mitch: I wish! These are friggin' mutants here, and some of 'em can't even take human diets. I got ones that can't eat meat, sure, but I also got ones that can't eat plants, either. I got one kid here that can't process calcium hypochlorite! I mean, how the hell do you cook for someone that can't eat friggin' calcium hypochlorite?! Hell, I got one that can only survive on "teardrops from a doomed animal." You believe that shit?!? "Teardrops from a Doomed Freggin' Animal!?!" So every day I gots to head down the animal shelter - for this ONE freggin' mutie - with my straw and my bottle, ask for the list...

Tyler: I imagine this all can put quite the strain on you and your staff here...

Mitch: It Fuckin' sucks, Tyler.

Tyler: Ha ha. So, what you want us to do is help you to find a quick and easy way to prepare a lot of really diverse meals for a lot of people, right?

Mitch: I told you: They ain't people, they're mutants.

Tyler: Right. So let's see what we have in the kitchen here...

Mitch: Fuckin' mutants.

Tyler: Looks like you have quite a busy setup here, Mitch! I see all the staples, a ton of spices... Hey! What's this?

Mitch: That's some kinda super protein and vitamin mash that that Einstein cat-guy made. S'only thing he eats. He says it's some kinda perfect nutrition food thing - no preservatives or artificial stuff.

Tyler: Sounds like a nutritional purist kind of guy!

Mitch: Yeah, but he's kind of a intellectual douchbag, so I always spike it with "Fancy Feast." I think it's responsible for his - whattacallit - secondary mutation thing.

Tyler: Interesting. Anybody else here have such a refined palate?

Mitch: Well, there's that English broad... everything with her is always so freggin' hoity-toity! It all has to be imported, or be like fine dining, or have some French name I can't pronounce.

Tyler: Must be difficult!

Mitch: Fuckin' French.

Tyler: Hah ha. So, let's grab that pot and we'll get started! And, while we're setting up, why don't you tell us where you got your nickname, "The Canker" - that's quite a unique one, there! Is it because it rhymes with your last name?

Mitch: Nah. S'matter a fact, that English broad kinda gave it to me. See, I was telling this joke to one of my cooks about this naked lady, her pet monkey and these 13 ping-pong balls when she walks by just as I was getting to the part where the monkey's juggling and about to fall off from her feet when all of a sudden she stops and looks at me like she's readin' my mind or somethin' and says all sarcastic like in that snooty accent of hers, "Oh, aren't we a Cheeky Wanker?" Then some of the kids found out and shortened it, and it kinda stuck after that.

Tyler: Ha ha. Great story!

Mitch: I hate it, but that broad's real easy on the eyes, y'know, so I didn't say nothing - just kept tryin' to move those zippers with my brain. I figure, "why should the friggin' muties be the only ones that can do that?"

Tyler: Interesting!

Mitch: Fuckin' zippers.

Tyler: Ha ha.

Mitch: I mean, what the hell does "The Canker" even mean, anyway? Is my secret mutie power the ability to give people cold sores or somethin'? "Look out, evil-doers! Behold the power of The Canker!!" Cripes.

Tyler: Well, OK! - Now that we've got our stock going, our stoats de-loused, and we've broken up all the formica into bite-sized chunks, we can move on to properly amplifying the photons roasting in a dark Skrull-milk sauce. And after that, we'll combine all the dry ingrediants to begin our dessert's Oreo crumble topping.

Mitch: Fuckin' Martians.

Unidentified Hairy Canadian: Move outta the way, bub. Need beer.

Mitch: Oh, no.

UHC: What the Sam Scratch is this?!? No beer?!? Somebody's got some explaining to do. And they better do it fast. I ain't in the best of moods.

Tyler: Well, sorry to tell you, but we used the last of the beer to flavor our Down-Home Mariko Spirit Squeezings! It has 3 kinds of spices!


(It was at this point that the audio and visual feed were unexpectedly cut short. Before completely losing the signal however, one can hear some loud, crunching sounds that suggest furniture is breaking, several screams, and even a few "Snikt's.")